Bite-sized chaos from a thinking brain because thinking too much deserves an audience
It’s a new year.
I don’t want to go back to work.
I am tired of working.
This is stupid.
Why am I doing this?
I want to sell everything and run away!
Capitalism steals.
We are torturing ourselves.
Humans are the only animals that don’t realize they are animals!
I am screaming on the inside!
Burn burn buurrrrrnnnn!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Intrusive thoughts……
Windmilling.
Breathe…
Relax…
Start from scratch tomorrow.
I hate how Woman is abused.
Stop crying…like a Girl?
Stop gossiping… like a Girl?
Stop acting…like a Girl?
Stop talking… like a Girl?
Stop smiling…like a Girl?
How should one behave?
Like a man?
Violent.
Angry.
Hypersexual.
Egotistical.
Man up.
Grow a pair.
You mean the same pair that goes down in 3…2..1 if thumped?
So yes, act like a Girl and change the world!
Woman Creates!
Woman Heals!
Woman Is!
Journalist: So tell me, how did we get here? (Journalist skims the dirty walls filled with chipped paint as the sound of the HVAC hums.)
Nina: If I tell you my story, you have to promise to write it exactly as I say. No bullshit!
Journalist: I think I can handle my end. Can you handle giving me all the details without lies, no matter how bad?
Nina: If the money talking…
Journalist: Who told you this was a paid story?
Nina: You did as soon as you stepped your happy ass through those bars. So can we get to it?
Journalist: I can agree to getting you paid, if you can agree to what I asked you. So is it a deal?
Nina: We got a deal. (Nina smiles as she inhales the last of her Newport.)Â
To be continued…
I am human-free by choice. I never dreamed of having one. I do not have the urge or desire. I like to use the term “human” vs “child” because being a child is only one phase of being a human. Humans have various stages, i.e., baby, toddler, adult etc. I like to think that when most people say they want to have a child they mean a baby, not a human. People love babies. Babies can be controlled, and do not have any autonomy. They are at the mercy of the adult in their life. I do not understand how some people yearn to have them.
People need to be okay with all stages of a human before having one. Really sit down and ask yourself, am I capable emotionally, mentally, physically? Can I properly guide this human through life to achieve “their” dreams and aspirations. Can I teach them morals and values that align with being a good person? Humans are not your mini-me, twin, or re-do at life.
Babies are a blessing is a scheme that Todd set up to continue populating the earth. If they were truly a blessing, people would not complain as much as they do about having them.
I know myself. I do not want to teach anyone how to survive in this raggedy world. Humans need to become extinct. We have had too much time to self-correct. Maybe a new species can do a better job than we have.
I am stuck. If y’all could see the amount of unfinished posts in my drafts folder! I have so many thoughts, but no way to form them into a cohesive post. I start writing but get lost. If I was using pen and paper, there would be over 100 pieces of crumpled paper on the floor. My pencil would be a stub and the eraser non-existent. It’s like I am walking to nowhere fast. Sleeping, walking, crawling, and laying down as the final straw. Soon is all I can think. Maybe I will be able to run with ease.
Hey.
No.
Yes.
Okay.
Never mind.
Did they just say that?
Is this what it means?
I hate you.
I would be better off.
Leave me alone.
Spirling.
Sun sets.
Deeper.
Darker.
Black.
Unavailable.
Rest.
Food.
Sun rises.
Color.
Flowers bloom.
I’m back.
It’s Tuesday and we are turning up! For what you say? Anything that you are grateful for, makes you smile, or tickles your soul.
Babies laughing
Women who chose themselves
Eating foods that make me dance
Being in my own time zone
Women decentering men
Clean spaces
Hot showers
Laughing with friends
Women telling men they did not orgasm
Children having autonomy
Nature
Reading a good book
Days off
Families healing
Not having a job but still having income
Learning something new
Laughing so hard I cry
Being comfortable with all of me
Taking care of myself mentally, financially, physically, emotionally
A-ha moments
These are a few things that give me hope in this thing called life.
Finding peace…
I was cleaning out my Google Drive and found some old writings. Opening one called “Blog Post 4,” my first thought was, “Did I write this?” I backed out to check the date and make sure it was really mine, not something by someone else with my name. I sat there wondering if I had posted it somewhere. As I kept reading, I realized, Oh yeah, this is definitely me. I cringed as I read because I was embarrassed by the words. Y’all, I was so ashamed! Maybe I’ll post them here and follow up on each piece to show how my views and feelings about the topics have evolved. I’m still sitting here trying to remember why.
I looked at another document titled “My Book.” Like girl, were you trying to write a book? After graduating from undergrad at Valdosta State, I have held several different jobs. I was a receptionist at Georgia State School of Law. While I was there, I applied to Georgia State’s journalism undergrad program. I got in, but I never went. I ended up quitting as a receptionist and becoming a flight attendant. I was just out here doing anything and everything!! I say all that to say these writings I found are over 10 years old!!!
I really am laughing, because here I am back again. What am I doing? I have no clue. Where will this lead? Who knows. Will it phase out again? Maybe. I am just following my intuition. I told myself to be more intentional about listening to myself. So let’s take this new trip and find comfort in just appreciating the journey.
Janice opened the door. “Boom.” The blast echoed—maybe the dynamite was a bit much. She laughed, her gorgeous shoulders outlining her slim frame as she walked in. Janice surveyed the scene and realized the shit slum she’d been hunting for three months was nowhere to be found. She checked her tracker, notating the evidence—an old cell phone and gym bag, a pair of Jordans, and Nike shorts. “Niggas swear they can hoop. Bum.” This was the third empty location, thanks to her no-good tracking equipment that was in desperate need of updating. May as well grab a bite to eat since it’s getting late, she thought.
Janice jumped into her shade green metallic Porsche 911 Carrera 4S and sped off to the nearest hotel. She booked the penthouse suite because luxury is all she has ever known. Her parents were both big-time lawyers and gave her anything and everything she ever asked for. She ran a bubble bath and reflected on how she ended up here while sipping her champagne. Hunting down and killing deadbeat dads…
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have thoughts constantly running through your mind? Have no fear, here it is in the flesh. Random ideas run through my mind all the time with no warning. You are about to find out just how overactive my brain really is.
As a child, I never felt like I truly belonged in this world. I feel like an alien. Inner monologues galloping and playing like movies. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, or a quirk. It doesn’t really matter at this point. Take me as I am or, in the words of Fantasia, “free yourself.” I am learning as I age that even though my energy can be chaotic, it is electrifying to others. It fills their cup but depletes mine, so I have to be careful and keep some of me locked away. Some people are energy vampires.
There are many times I wish I could turn my brain off. Thinking can be exhausting. I envy those with blank minds and no opinion. They say ignorance is bliss. It really is, because once you start reading and learning, it’s downhill from there. In terms of society, not education. Just a heads up, I change topics and thoughts at the drop of a dime. Keep up!
My plan is to drop new posts whenever my brain is on overload and starts leaking. So brace yourself for the unpredictable. I’m not trying to fix your life (“not on my watch”) or tell you what to do. I am just here to give you a few messy truths, wandering thoughts, and occasional wisdom. With that, grab a snack, make a drink, and prepare to get lost in a space you never want to leave and if you do, won’t be able to.
To the editing police, fuck off! I’m just here to stay sane.
Brain Spills 